The relationships we have with our bodies and ourselves are such intriguing, lofty, multi-faceted things. They both excite and inspire me. They make me want to tear my heart out sobbing yet at the same time motivate me to get up in the morning and sing my heart song. They are vulnerable. They are raw. And often times, they are split wide open for the whole world to see. And for some sick reason, I can’t get enough of reading or listening to other people share their stories regarding this topic. One reason may be the inherent connection I feel listening to others share their first hand accounts with open hearts and shaking hands. At least, this was my experience reading mine aloud. Through these very human and relatable traits and experiences, there is a definite sense of comradery, of kinship. For one split second, we are not alone. We are not the only ones to traverse these waters, in the past, the present nor in the future.
Today, I want to share with you my own forgiveness letter to myself. I haven’t touched it since the day I wrote it about a year and a half ago. Go easy on me. ALL of the tears, laughter and love went into this. I’m happy to report, though, my relationship with myself has only grown since writing this. Exponentially, at that. I know that this letter was only the beginning. It was but a small ripple apart of the immense backdrop of waves that is my journey. However, I do feel that this spurred an adventure for me that I can’t turn my back on now.
“My Dearest Ali,
You majestic, beautiful, perfect creature you. There’s a lot that I’ve been meaning to say to you and for us to catch up on. I guess there’s no better time than the present. I am writing this to you with so much love it is exploding glittery, pink ink blots everywhere. I know this may be a new concept for you but it’s one you’re going to have to get used to, okay? You have been treated with love by so many other people. You really truly are blessed. But the person that matters the most has been nowhere to be found in this so called love department. And I am eternally sorry for that. I guess if I didn’t show up for you, I didn’t have to disappoint you. I don’t know why but disappointing you feels somewhere in between disappointing my parents and eating my first born child. Really, that repulsive. So, therefore, not being present with you meant I didn’t have to love you. I could dispense my love to a mountain of other more deserving people and at the end of the day, you didn’t deserve it. Why should you get my undeserving love and affection?
Well, Ali, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. For everything. For the attachments I gave the words on this page. For treating you like a separate entity my entire life. For the constant judgements and critiquing. For never listening to you when you clearly knew best. For not understand you or wanting to. And for not understanding my emotions and how to channel them. For being overly humble and even scared of you and your talents. You are brave. You are beautiful. You are talented. AND you’re a pretty flippin’ groovy human being. Be proud! I sure am.
However, the thing I may be most sorry for is not loving you for everything you are and everything you will become. Because that’s what you deserve, eternal, deserving love to infinity and beyond. I didn’t know what could make us happy and I took it all out on you. You didn’t deserve a single second of that. You deserve daffodils and rainbows, pianos and shooting stars, the best person in the world to share your “Best of times and worst of times”. You deserve the best because you are the best. To me.
So Alexandria, I finally see you. And I love and accept you just the way you are. I don’t need to be afraid of you anymore because you are not you and I am not I. We are both we. Together. And as hard as some hard times might be, we have each other. I see you and am so very proud of you. For just being you. For wanting to keep growing as a person in this life. For finally accepting that I don’t know and I don’t have to know all of the answers. For trying to get comfortable and make peace with the unknown. And for realizing you don’t have to be this idea of perfect. That perfection doesn’t actually exist. It lies in the faults and cracks and moments in everyday life that you just need to be aware enough of yourself and the world around you to experience.
I really truly wish you all of the happiness in the world.
I couldn’t be that person for you before but I’m going to try for the rest of my life to be that person now and henceforth.
To me, you are perfect.
I love you to the moon and back.
Woof. Done! There it is.
The vulnerability hangover is still very much present but I wanted to share this with you because maybe you will feel the smallest amount of connection that I do while listening.
If there is one thing I can recommend from doing this exercise, it’s that if you have any curiosity, any interest at all in writing your own Forgiveness Letter from the heart, DO IT. Seriously. Find your favorite writing utensil and leather bound notebook and start writing. You can thank me later.
What are you waiting for?! Get outta here!
Hugs and High Fives,