What I learned from leaning into fear, discomfort and the great unknown...
I have to say. For one who haaaates all of these three things, I’ve definitely learned my fair share from all of them over the past 10 weeks.
For one. I was scared poopless to leave New York City. A city I called my home for 4.5 years. Silly right?
I saw it as a city with great honor and prestige when you say its' name. When you think it. A city that everyone that knows about. That everyone speaks about.
Yet, there was this small part of me that felt like a failure leaving. That there was something wrong with me. “Why was everyone else having this grand experience but me? How does everyone else love it so much? Where did everyone else find and build their friend/familiar community as they have? Why can’t I build mine? What the h is wrong with me that I seem to not feel, believe or physically have these things? These crucial elements of life that seem to be so boldly lacking in my life. AGAUWFIALSKJDNALSKFNASDJLBF ASKLDHFKLADDHFKLASH”
That is how I felt.
It felt awful.
Fear. Discomfort. Uncertainty.
Fast forward 10 weeks.
Life feels... Open. More spacious. Less scary. Still uncertain. But better.
Don’t get me wrong. I still very much don’t have most of my sh*t figured out. Believe me there.
However, for the first time in my life, I feel like I can breathe. I’ve actually started letting go of this idea that giving up something or some “where” equates to me failing. It absolutely does NOT. It actually equals more space to let something even more magical and beautiful and true to my experience now come into fruition and into my life.
No longer grasping at a life that frankly, did not feel good, I’ve settled into a pretty badass new apartment. BY MYSELF. For the first time in my life. It felt so scary and daunting, wildly unfamiliar and lonely at first.
But I've learned that alone does not equate to lonely. And in retrospect, that fear and discomfort I was feeling was exactly what my soul was longing for. It was the exact lesson I needed to learn at that time.
In a city of 8.4 million people, plus living in a 500 sq. ft. 1 bedroom apartment with a boyfriend and 2 cats, I had never felt so alone in my entire life.
In a city of 300,000, living by myself, I feel anything but lonely.
I have space. I can breathe. I can balance out my ingrained reactivity mode I had grown to so know and love in NYC with my new relaxed, receptivity mode I’ve garnered here.
It's not the city that never sleeps but taking the leap has given this soul the breath of fresh air it so desperately needed to learn, breathe and grow as a person. Which feels freakin’ awesome.
You know what else I learned? Fear, discomfort and uncertainty will always be there. They will always be a driving force lurking behind most major or even minor decisions we make. Yet, if you learn to lean in with love. To lean in with trust. To lean in with curiosity and an open heart and mind. You just might find what you had always been looking for. You just might find yourself. You just might find home.
Hugs and High Fives,